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<title>So I lift up the only sail that I have (this tired white flag) by Coal_burningbright</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29787027">So I lift up the only sail that I have (this tired white flag)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coal_burningbright/pseuds/Coal_burningbright'>Coal_burningbright</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Discovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crack, Crack and Angst, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Unresolved Romantic Tension, but it doesn't impact the story negitivly, fear of closeness (relatable), i got 1000 words in and went 'I need some angst', idk what to tell you, just sets it all up for a second fic, takes place in a nebulous time, the author was sleep deprived for 2/3 of the fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 03:00:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,014</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29787027</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coal_burningbright/pseuds/Coal_burningbright</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Philippa Georgiou is unceremoniously given a dog that she steadfastly refuses to love (at least as long as she can)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Burnham &amp; Philippa Georgiou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Sauce Empire</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>So I lift up the only sail that I have (this tired white flag)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanctuaria/gifts">Sanctuaria</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayBeBrilliant/gifts">MayBeBrilliant</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw for some drinking/ a character being drunk</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Philippa did not like the dog. Terrans do not like small creatures. The dog was small. The dog was annoying. The dog chewed on her favorite pair of boots. </p><p>Philippa told the infernal being as much, “I’m getting rid of you as soon as the ship docks.” </p><p>The dog did not respond, the little bastard.</p><p>“You know I’m from, we ate dogs like you as a snack.”</p><p>The dog's ears perked up at the word ‘snack’.</p><p>The dog being on her ship was Michael’s damn fault. Actually, most things were Michael’s damn fault.</p><p>Michael had brought the tiny furry beast into Philippa’s life, only taking the time to ship train it before she left the demon-spawn behind with Philippa. The Terran Emporer should command more respect, more fear, less “this is yours now, Tilly wanted to keep it but I told her no”. </p><p>-----------</p><p>“Well if Tilly couldn’t have the damn dog then why give it to me?”</p><p>“Philippa.” </p><p>-----------</p><p>Michael had some power that Philippa did not understand that made her do dumb things like agree to take a surely terrible creature onto her ship.</p><p> </p><p>The worst part was that the dog wasn’t even responsive to her best efforts to make it more ferocious or at least more civilized. Philippa had tried her best strategies on it but the dog did not seem to understand threats or bribery and she hadn’t been able to find any blackmail on it. At least not yet.</p><p>When she had asked Michael during one of their every-other-day calls for any secrets the dog might be hiding, Michael had the audacity to <em> laugh </em> at her. </p><p>No one laughs at Philippa Georgiou. </p><p>Philippa complained about this to the demon spawn, who she steadfastly refused to name because “I am not going to get attached to some slobbering lumbering creature who falls on its own face three times a day.”</p><p>“Sorry I have to go, Tilly’s calling me.”</p><p>“Michael I can quite clearly tell she is not, this time is always set aside-”</p><p> </p><p>Philippa complained about Michael's audacity to the dog. “And now I really need to find blackmail on you because I’ve told you things. I’m becoming weak. Soon I will <em> die </em>.” </p><p>The dog nuzzled her hand.</p><p>At least the dog didn’t accuse her of being “overdramatic”, whatever that meant. Philippa was simply reacting with as much drama as was needed.</p><p>Still, she couldn’t wait till a few days had passed and she would be on a trade station she could ditch the dog at. </p><p> </p><p>But when the ship docked, Philippa was too caught up in the latest crisis to remember she had to leave the dog behind. Besides, it would be too much work. </p><p>If anyone asked the books on dog training that somehow ended up in her bookshelves were a mystery she could not solve. It was probably Michael’s doing.</p><p>Then, the dog would not respond to training. Hell, Philippa even took a whole afternoon off to train and name Demon-Spawn, The First of His Name, Terror of Canines, and Ferocious Beast and all that came out of it was a dog who thought when he barked he got a treat and who acted a way very much not befitting of a Terran dog.</p><p>“When I see Michael I will kill her you know, it’s her fault you’re here.” </p><p>Demon barked happily and tried to eat a mechanical fly.</p><p> </p><p>Philippa <b>did not</b> care for the dog, anyone who said otherwise could die by her blade. If she let Demon sit in her lap during movie nights it was only because otherwise, the infernal beast would run around barking and falling over its own two paws. The reason she had kept the dog was that it would be too much effort to explain to Michael where it had gone. Not that she cared what Michael thought. The only reason Philippa was letting the dog sleep on her bed was that if someone tried to attack her the dog would wake up.</p><p>-----------</p><p>“Philippa, it’s okay if you like the dog, but please stop making bad excuses.”</p><p>“What do you mean ‘bad excuses’ I am simply stating the facts as I see them.”</p><p>“Philippa, the dog has slept through mycelial warps and you wake up when someone drops a pin a mile away.”</p><p>“I am not engaging with this conversation anymore, Michael.”</p><p>“You’re literally running away-”</p><p>-----------</p><p>Philippa had not run away from those conversations, she had simply grown bored of them.</p><p>   </p><p>If Philippa began bringing Demon with her when she took her light run each day, it was only because the hellspawn would trash her quarters if she left him unattended. </p><p>It was terrible, Demon wasn’t good at running in any way shape, or form and Philippa kept having to slow down or pull Demon away from sniffing at things. She would deny till her dying day that she enjoyed the company. </p><p> </p><p>When the days were done Philippa would spread her notes in front of her and strategize about whatever she was working on that week, sometimes she would notice herself casually scratching Demon’s head while she worked. </p><p>She pretended not to.</p><p> </p><p>During her phone calls, she had Demon in her lap, just so if Michael asked how he was doing she could show her.</p><p> </p><p>Still, she wasn’t aware of how far the evil creature had wormed itself into her life like some parasite until Michael came to work with her for a few days.</p><p>-----------</p><p>“So it seems like you and the dog are getting along very well.” Michael began, smiling at Philippa over their dinner.</p><p>“What in the <em> galaxy </em> could <em> possibly </em> give you that impression?” Philippa said, insulted as she casually fed a piece of meat to Demon.</p><p>“Philippa.”</p><p>“<em> Michael </em>. See, I can say your name too. I am feeding Demon because otherwise, the beast would break into my food storage. This signifies nothing more than my desire to have supplies intact.”</p><p>“You have dog food- You know what, no, I’m not wasting my one night in person with you in forever with my friend telling you that you care about your dog.”</p><p>-----------</p><p>After Michael had left Philippa sat in her best chair with Demon in her lap, wondering. Was it possible she could <em> care </em> about this creature? No. She wasn’t weak, Terrans knew better than to be attached like that. </p><p>Could it be that she wasn’t a Terran truly anymore? She had been here for a while now, maybe without worthy opponents she had begun to lose her edge. </p><p>Philippa stood up abruptly, ignoring any feelings that might have come from the whine Demon gave after being abruptly knocked to the ground. A true Terran did not care for beasts, they forced beasts to do their bidding or ate them for snack. A true Terran did not, could not, care about others. A true Terran didn’t call people just to chat. That was how you got hurt, if you let your guard down you get attached, and if you got attached it would hurt more to lose whatever it was or the being could be leveraged against you. She had gotten too used to the safety of this place, that would have to change.</p><p> </p><p>Philippa started going on walks alone and leaving the dog alone with its bowls of food instead of feeding meat off her plate. She did not feel any pain when she went to stroke her lap while working and felt no soft dumb lump of fur there. She couldn’t feel any pain.</p><p>Philippa steeled her heart and got ready for her next restocking trip where she could dump <strike> <em> Demon </em> </strike> the dog.</p><p>And then things got complicated. Why did things always get complicated?</p><p>-----------</p><p>Philippa was bringing the dog off of her ship when she saw a familiar face, “Michael?” She wasn’t supposed to meet up with her again for another week.</p><p>“I was in the neighborhood.” Michael looked certainly a bit worse for the wear but was beaming broadly. “I figured, why not stop by and see my favorite morally ambiguous space criminal.”</p><p>“You forgot to say that I am also the best-looking one.”</p><p>Michael laughed, “It’s good to see you too. I see you’re taking Demon off the ship, planning to stay here a bit?”</p><p>Shit. Philippa knew how to keep her cool in battle but Michael was always too good at seeing through her. </p><p>“No, actually, I was planning to stop by the shops and get a toy for him.”   </p><p>“Oh fun, I’ll come with you.”</p><p>-----------</p><p>“Why is it so hard to get rid of you?” Philippa complained, after drinking a perfectly reasonable amount, “I don’t even care about you. I should have told Michael you tried to kill me or something.”</p><p>Demon looked at her in a way that seemed to say, “I can’t even tell the difference between a creature and my own shadow, you think Michael would believe I tried to kill you.”</p><p>Hmm, maybe Philippa had had too much to drink. </p><p>“Whatever, I can always just- just throw you out into space or something.” Philippa knew she should be more composed than this but she had been going on solo missions for a while and who cared, it’s not like anyone was ever on her ship. “Maybe I’ll just keep you for- for the company.” Yeah, that sounded reasonable. Wait- weren’t Terrans not supposed to need company? Who cared, she could never go back there anyway, maybe not being a Terran wasn- wasn- was not the worst thing ever. </p><p>"Don’t tell Michael,” Philippa whispered to her dog. “But I think she’s the best-looking space person. I always like looking at her face during our calls.” She would never tell Michael that of course, she had a reputation, and besides, Michael was good at stuff and stuff. Stuff? Philippa put down her drink then, after a moment, picked it up again. This was a problem for future Philippa.</p><p>-----------</p><p>   </p><p>Philippa’s head hurt. Actually, that wasn’t true. Philippa hurt. She vaguely remembered last night, something about her embracing feelings? Yuck. Also, she might have sent a recording of herself singing a song to someone. Hmm, that should be found and deleted as soon as possible. </p><p>With a sigh, she got up to go get some hangover cures.</p><p> </p><p>-----------</p><p>“Tilly, do you still want a dog?”</p><p>“Yes, of course! Why?”</p><p>“I have one for you.”</p><p>-----------</p><p>There, it was out, Tilly would come to pick up her new dog and Philippa wouldn’t have to deal with another creature on her ship. </p><p>“Good riddance.” She said to De- to the dog. “I never cared about you anyway.”</p><p>Demon looked sad.</p><p>“Stop trying to make me feel bad, I won’t.” Philippa turned away from the hellspawn. “You’ll love Tilly, she’ll spoil you rotten.”</p><p>Tilly would, she would love and care for the dog and she would be hurt when it died and Philippa would be living her best life, propositioning aliens and not pining after anyone.</p><p> </p><p>Philippa was waiting at the scheduled pick-up place with the dog when she saw a figure coming towards her, but this person didn’t have Tilly’s bounce, nor indeed her unmistakable red hair. No, this person was unmistakable in another way.</p><p>Michael Burnham strode towards Philippa one eyebrow raised. “Tilly couldn’t make it.”</p><p>“I can see that, Michael. My question for you is, why are you here? Tilly could have simply rescheduled.”</p><p>“Because friends help their friends and tell them about big feelings they’re having,” Michael said, calmly, icily. </p><p>Philippa knew that tone, knew that posture, knew that look. Michael was furious. Well, Michael didn’t control her, and she didn’t care if Michael was mad.  </p><p>“I do tell you what’s going on in my life, just yesterday I told you about my trip and about what I was having to eat.”</p><p>Michael tilted her head and raised one eyebrow, her face expressionless. “You need to stop this behavior before you push away the people you care about.”</p><p>Philippa laughed. She knew that she shouldn’t but here was Michael yelling at her as if her opinion <em> mattered </em>. “You think I care about you? That’s a good one. Reminds me of the old joke about the Vulcan who walked into a bar.” </p><p>“Philippa.”</p><p>“Take the dog, I’m leaving.” Philippa dropped the leash and began striding away. The dog followed her. </p><p>Typical, a dog that wouldn’t follow her on command but would when she was trying to leave it behind.</p><p>“Go, leave me in peace. Michael’s the person you’re staying with now.” Philippa turned the dog around and pushed it towards Michael who was watching her impassively. </p><p>Demon whined but stopped following her.</p><p> </p><p>Philippa wasn’t lonely. She didn’t want to call Michael and apologize. Her ship didn’t feel too big and too empty. Philippa repeated those things to herself over and over, until she could believe she believed them.</p><p>She jolted awake in the night twice, reaching to try and find the warm snoring pile that was normally annoyingly on top of her, before remembering she had got rid of the creature she had never liked. </p><p>She had never liked the creature, right?</p><p>She couldn’t have. </p><p>   </p><p>Philippa woke up in the morning and after a few days, she stopped going to put a dog bowl out. She went on runs and was able to go faster and faster until her body burned as much as her heart. She did her work and stopped missing whatever that creature’s name was. </p><p>Philippa didn’t call Michael every other night, and that was good because now she had more free time and wasn’t distracted. </p><p>Philippa danced with people and completed jobs and was fulfilled and working hard. Terrans weren’t supposed to be happy, they were supposed to be the best. </p><p>Philippa was the best.</p><p> </p><p>So, three weeks later, when the person she was working with was Michael she didn’t flinch.</p><p>-----------</p><p>“Burnham.”</p><p>“We’re going to be working together, you can at least call me Michael.”</p><p>“I’d rather not breed familiarity.”</p><p>“Philippa, you need to talk to me at some point.”</p><p>“I will talk to you about the mission and then we will part ways.”</p><p>“Philippa.”</p><p>-----------   </p><p>It was their third night after they had been working together when Philippa cracked, she knew it made her weak but she missed her friend even if she’d rather be more than that, she missed having someone else, she missed the ability to call someone and complain or gossip. So the next day she greeted Michael the same way she always used to, it didn't go as expected.</p><p> </p><p>“Philippa, you can’t just act like everything is normal again, you need to at least apologize.” </p><p>Philippa sighed, “Fine, I am sorry you got in a fight with me.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>Philippa cocked her head, “What do you mean, ‘no’? I am apologizing so this whole silly fight can be over.”</p><p>“Philippa, you cut off all contact until you were literally forced to work with me, act like you can make it all normal again, and then act like this whole thing is my fault when you’re the one who’s been ignoring messages and acting like you don’t care. You can apologize or not, but pick fast and do it right.”</p><p>This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Philippa was supposed to say sorry in a way that didn’t make her feel bad and then Michael would be her friend again and she could get her dog back and go back to pretending she didn’t care about either. What was so wrong with that?</p><p>Michael sighed and walked away, her footsteps not making a sound.</p><p> </p><p>Okay, maybe Philippa searched ‘how to make a good apology’ but in her defense, it was helpful. All she needed to do was ‘<em> take credit for how you hurt the other person </em> ' and ‘ <em> Be sincere </em>’, she could fake that. </p><p>“I am sorry for hurting you Michael, I now see the flaws in the way I behaved and will do better in the future,” Philippa practiced. “I would like to be your friend again and to have my dog back.” That seemed like as good a shot as any. </p><p>The second time Philippa tried to apologize it did not go well.</p><p> </p><p>-----------</p><p>“I am sorry for hurting you Michael, I now see the flaws in the way I behaved and will do better in the future. I would like to be your friend again and to have my dog back.” </p><p>“Come back when you don’t have a canned speech ready, I’m giving you one last chance, don’t mess up this time.”</p><p>-----------</p><p> </p><p>The third time, the third time Philippa was going to try to do this. Feelings were terrible monsters who she hated and that made her feel sick but maybe she could stomach them a bit, for Michael. </p><p>“Michael, I’m sorry, I was caught up in my own head and you got in the way.” Michael’s face tightened. “What I mean is, I lashed out and that was,” did she really have to do this? “That was wrong of me. I was lying when I said I didn’t care about you, I care about you a lot.” Okay, that seemed to have gone okay.</p><p>“Thank you for your apology, I accept it. However, if you ever do it again I will not forgive you. I can tell that you are sorry but you really hurt me.” </p><p>That was probably the best Philippa could have hoped for. “I’m glad-”, Philippa paused and considered her next words. “I’m glad you accept my apology.”</p><p> </p><p>The rhythm they fell into was awkward at first, and Michael was a bit more distant, but it was better. Philippa got her dog back and even if he didn’t curl up on her lap again yet, they would get there. Maybe she didn’t need to be a Terran here, laughing with Michael when they saw someone get covered in sticky pink-green goo and then acting furious when the goo got on her. Philippa started seeing Michael more in person too, it just made more sense, jobwise. </p><p> </p><p>She didn’t know if she’d ever be quite comfortable with caring about people but she was getting there.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A thank you to May, my fandom twin, for dragging me to the sauce, and to Kat, who made this all possible in the first place (By saucing everyone like the evil being she is :P)<br/>And a thank you so much for reading, please comment and/or kudos if you liked it/if you want to tell me I should write a follow up fic where certain people actually date after a lot of pining<br/>Title from Neptune by Sleeping at Last</p></blockquote></div></div>
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